My Life As Liz

If you've been keeping up with your MTV, you know that My Life As Liz is a "reality" show about a girl who just doesn't fit in at her high school, which is mostly due to the fact that she makes awkward, arbitrary Star Wars references and isn't blond.

So let's talk about Liz herself. In the first episode, through a series of events that reek of incredibly lazy exposition (Liz picks up the phone and says "Hey cuz, you're weird, I can't believe I'm related to you. Get it? It's her cousin! For real, not just figuratively!) the viewers come to know that Liz is just way too good for her Bible-thumping pig farmer hometown of Burleson, Texas. She's sophisticated! "Everyone in this town looks, acts, and thinks the same! And they don't take too kind to anyone who's not a blond Texan barbie doll," she laments. In addition to proving that MTV shows are produced by old white guys who have done their research watching every teen movie since 1980 (Sarcastic redhead = 21st century Molly Ringwald?) this show plays gracelessly on every Texas and high school stereotype in existence.

Excerpt from Liz's official bio:
Liz often finds herself mixing up a fresh batch of mix CDs with the latest and greatest indie songs. . . When she's not jamming out to tunes. . . she is often face planted in front of a classic comic book, or trying to invent new ways to insult the blond conformists who populate her high school. She has a pet snake and is a vegan. . .

Alright, we get it, everything about Liz is supposed to be indie as fuck. You might even say she's this generation's attempt at Daria, but then I'd have to kill you because that's damn near blasphemy. She could only prove herself further if she made mixtapes instead of CDs and played guitar! And guess what, her friends guy enjoy LARPing! If at some point we find out they're Trekkies, that would just be perfect.

By the way, aren't good characters supposed to have flaws? You might think that the "insulting the blond conformists part" takes care of this, but it doesn't. This show doesn't encourage being yourself, it only glorifies clique wars. So it's okay to be a giant bitch if you're an indie kid, because you're right. How would MTV feel about making a show featuring Tiffani, a Camaro-driving cheerleader whose hobbies include tanning, shopping with Daddy's credit card, and thinking of new ways to insult the nerds who simply exist in her high school. A hero for us all!

Liz's love life echoes the triangle we've seen over and over: chunky nerd BFF Sully likes Liz, but she's oblivious and flaunts her crush on Bryson right in front of him! But don't worry, this trying-too-hard-to-be-indie series doesn't take a completely original turn by having Liz actually end up with the one who's always been loyal and made sacrifices for her. That would be heinous - he's fat, for fuck's sake!

Liz's friendships sure are deep. She doesn't just hang out with the LARP kids, you know. In the first episode of the series, Liz accidentally befriends pageant queen Taylor Terry. And she's going to fix her, help her escape the mold! Their friendship consists of awkward culture clashes and pushing each other around in shopping carts.

Oh and guess what? Burleson High has a prom! And Liz struggles with whether or not she's going to go. Liz is cool and indie enough to associate with the LARP guys, but definitely not cool enough to reject stupid traditions like prom and Valentine's Day. She "feels behind in life" because she hadn't been to the prom before her senior year. Really kids, like every series MTV pulls out of its ass will tell you, if you don't go to the prom you might as well kill yourself. I guess Liz feels behind because she's never been to "anything remotely close to the prom." You know, except for the Valentine's Day dance she went to in the second episode. And let's not forget when she was a "sports-loving, school-spirited, school dance-attending, Jesus-adoring preteen." Actual fucking quote from the first episode.

Liz seems to think that everything that happens to her is somehow larger than life, so no wonder she feels like she deserves her own damn "reality" show. The first instance of this that really stuck out to me was when she implied that Bryson rejecting her as a prom date was more awkward than an incestuous makeout. But then again, that may have just been the only place they could fit in the obligatory Star Wars reference and have it almost make sense. But don't worry, she "won't spend a single lightyear" thinking about that. Probably because lightyears measure distance. Dumbass. But of course this only makes it a little bit hypocritical when Liz offers her sage advice, "It's just high school," to blond Cori. Oh, isn't she smart?


The last episode is Liz's graduation, so hopefully this means there won't be a second season. Liz has never once talked about her ambitions during the eight episodes leading up to this, and all of a sudden we're suppose to pretend we knew it was her lifelong dream to go to New York. Of course, she never implies what it is she wants to do there, just that it's full of "enough weird people to make [her] seem normal." No job, school, or living conditions are mentioned. Six weeks after graduation, it's time - she's leaving for New York because Bryson never came out to her about his feelings. Yeah, this "lifelong dream" depends on whether or not a guy she met earlier this year who did nothing but play mind games with her will finally admit to liking her. Remember, Liz has always had the lowest opinion of Texas and just can't wait to get out and go some place where people will understand her liberal, Star Wars fan, dyed-hair, vegan, ways. But when you hear what Bryson says to her in this year's most dramatic TV moment, you can't blame her for wanting to stay:

(monotone) "You really are cool. Like, so much cooler than any girl I know. You have a favorite comic book artist. You listen to some of the best music of anybody I know . . . I like that you have that, uh, red hair. I, just, uh, I like you.

Liz's conclusion? "I don't really know what happens from here . . . Sometimes it's best when things aren't perfect. At least then, you know they're real."

Oh, precisely. As real as when the high school student who owns a Mustang lets you sit on the hood of his car and eat french fries. As real as the fat friend suddenly deciding he'll help the not-fat friend get Liz. As real as this being a scene from the actual high school hallway:


I hope you all appreciated this post - you have NO idea how many Crest and Tampax commercials I had to sit through to watch enough episodes to write this shit.