The Second Short Life of Bree Tanner

Stephenie Meyer will never give up.

Steph has written exactly five books thus far: one entitled The Host and the four epics of the Twilight series. Every time some socially awkward and/or braindead teen girl goes out and buys one of these paperback monstrosities, she [unknowingly?] makes a donation to the Jesus Christ Church of Latter-Day Saints. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but hopefully for Steph these saints are so latter that she'll be able to get canonized after the Breaking Dawn comes out - 10% of the profits from all the Twilight bullshit should keep all the Prop 8's and Prop 1's of the U.S. strong for years! Thanks Steph!

Anyway, on to the reason Anniehilation's hatred for Smeyer has flared up this week: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. I saw an ad for this in the window and Border's and thought, huh, she's writing another book. Maybe it'll have a plot and not suck so hard this time. And then I read the subtitle: an Eclipse novella. I really didn't know she could sink this low. Steph's first attempt at exploiting how incredibly stupid her disciples are was Midnight Sun, which is Twilight from Edward's perspective instead of Bella's. Seriously, she thought her fans were so dense they'd want to read the exact same book over again. (She was right.) Anyway, it was never formally published because one of her trusted beta readers posted it online. Her second attempt is basically the same damn thing, replace Twilight with Eclipse and Edward with Bree. There's nothing wrong with whoring out your creative gold for fan service, particularly if it's going to keep your income nice and steady. God forbid Steph try anything new, it might not be as well received.

Oh, that or she doesn't have an original thought in her head. At least The Tales of Beedle the Bard and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them were metafiction written under pseudonyms. Not Tom Riddle’s fucking first-person orphan sob story.

Don't worry, Twitards, it doesn't have to ever end. I assume that immediately after you've all grown tired of the Bree Tanner book, film, broadway musical, and theme park, there will be something else on the shelves. Perhaps we could do New Moon from Alice’s perspective, revealing her hardcore lesbian crush on Bella, or Bella’s entire childhood narrated by her mother! Maybe I can ghostwrite what it was like to suck so many delicate little teenage necks from Carlisle’s point of view. Actually, everyone should read that one. Sounds like it’d answer a lot of questions.