My Life As Liz

If you've been keeping up with your MTV, you know that My Life As Liz is a "reality" show about a girl who just doesn't fit in at her high school, which is mostly due to the fact that she makes awkward, arbitrary Star Wars references and isn't blond.

So let's talk about Liz herself. In the first episode, through a series of events that reek of incredibly lazy exposition (Liz picks up the phone and says "Hey cuz, you're weird, I can't believe I'm related to you. Get it? It's her cousin! For real, not just figuratively!) the viewers come to know that Liz is just way too good for her Bible-thumping pig farmer hometown of Burleson, Texas. She's sophisticated! "Everyone in this town looks, acts, and thinks the same! And they don't take too kind to anyone who's not a blond Texan barbie doll," she laments. In addition to proving that MTV shows are produced by old white guys who have done their research watching every teen movie since 1980 (Sarcastic redhead = 21st century Molly Ringwald?) this show plays gracelessly on every Texas and high school stereotype in existence.

Excerpt from Liz's official bio:
Liz often finds herself mixing up a fresh batch of mix CDs with the latest and greatest indie songs. . . When she's not jamming out to tunes. . . she is often face planted in front of a classic comic book, or trying to invent new ways to insult the blond conformists who populate her high school. She has a pet snake and is a vegan. . .

Alright, we get it, everything about Liz is supposed to be indie as fuck. You might even say she's this generation's attempt at Daria, but then I'd have to kill you because that's damn near blasphemy. She could only prove herself further if she made mixtapes instead of CDs and played guitar! And guess what, her friends guy enjoy LARPing! If at some point we find out they're Trekkies, that would just be perfect.

By the way, aren't good characters supposed to have flaws? You might think that the "insulting the blond conformists part" takes care of this, but it doesn't. This show doesn't encourage being yourself, it only glorifies clique wars. So it's okay to be a giant bitch if you're an indie kid, because you're right. How would MTV feel about making a show featuring Tiffani, a Camaro-driving cheerleader whose hobbies include tanning, shopping with Daddy's credit card, and thinking of new ways to insult the nerds who simply exist in her high school. A hero for us all!

Liz's love life echoes the triangle we've seen over and over: chunky nerd BFF Sully likes Liz, but she's oblivious and flaunts her crush on Bryson right in front of him! But don't worry, this trying-too-hard-to-be-indie series doesn't take a completely original turn by having Liz actually end up with the one who's always been loyal and made sacrifices for her. That would be heinous - he's fat, for fuck's sake!

Liz's friendships sure are deep. She doesn't just hang out with the LARP kids, you know. In the first episode of the series, Liz accidentally befriends pageant queen Taylor Terry. And she's going to fix her, help her escape the mold! Their friendship consists of awkward culture clashes and pushing each other around in shopping carts.

Oh and guess what? Burleson High has a prom! And Liz struggles with whether or not she's going to go. Liz is cool and indie enough to associate with the LARP guys, but definitely not cool enough to reject stupid traditions like prom and Valentine's Day. She "feels behind in life" because she hadn't been to the prom before her senior year. Really kids, like every series MTV pulls out of its ass will tell you, if you don't go to the prom you might as well kill yourself. I guess Liz feels behind because she's never been to "anything remotely close to the prom." You know, except for the Valentine's Day dance she went to in the second episode. And let's not forget when she was a "sports-loving, school-spirited, school dance-attending, Jesus-adoring preteen." Actual fucking quote from the first episode.

Liz seems to think that everything that happens to her is somehow larger than life, so no wonder she feels like she deserves her own damn "reality" show. The first instance of this that really stuck out to me was when she implied that Bryson rejecting her as a prom date was more awkward than an incestuous makeout. But then again, that may have just been the only place they could fit in the obligatory Star Wars reference and have it almost make sense. But don't worry, she "won't spend a single lightyear" thinking about that. Probably because lightyears measure distance. Dumbass. But of course this only makes it a little bit hypocritical when Liz offers her sage advice, "It's just high school," to blond Cori. Oh, isn't she smart?


The last episode is Liz's graduation, so hopefully this means there won't be a second season. Liz has never once talked about her ambitions during the eight episodes leading up to this, and all of a sudden we're suppose to pretend we knew it was her lifelong dream to go to New York. Of course, she never implies what it is she wants to do there, just that it's full of "enough weird people to make [her] seem normal." No job, school, or living conditions are mentioned. Six weeks after graduation, it's time - she's leaving for New York because Bryson never came out to her about his feelings. Yeah, this "lifelong dream" depends on whether or not a guy she met earlier this year who did nothing but play mind games with her will finally admit to liking her. Remember, Liz has always had the lowest opinion of Texas and just can't wait to get out and go some place where people will understand her liberal, Star Wars fan, dyed-hair, vegan, ways. But when you hear what Bryson says to her in this year's most dramatic TV moment, you can't blame her for wanting to stay:

(monotone) "You really are cool. Like, so much cooler than any girl I know. You have a favorite comic book artist. You listen to some of the best music of anybody I know . . . I like that you have that, uh, red hair. I, just, uh, I like you.

Liz's conclusion? "I don't really know what happens from here . . . Sometimes it's best when things aren't perfect. At least then, you know they're real."

Oh, precisely. As real as when the high school student who owns a Mustang lets you sit on the hood of his car and eat french fries. As real as the fat friend suddenly deciding he'll help the not-fat friend get Liz. As real as this being a scene from the actual high school hallway:


I hope you all appreciated this post - you have NO idea how many Crest and Tampax commercials I had to sit through to watch enough episodes to write this shit.

Taylor Swift

If you didn't know Taylor Swift from hearing her bullshit every five seconds on the radio, then you probably know her from a certain incident at the 2009 VMA's involving Kanye West.

I first realized I hate Swift in the dining hall at school when I was listening to her very originally titled song "Love Story." All I could discern in the lyrics was a repetitive mention of Romeo and Juliet. Even though the music didn't suit me, I thought the lyrics might - I'm into tragedies. So when I finally got around to looking up the lyrics, here's what I found for the final verse:

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm fairly sure that's not how Romeo and Juliet ends. I have to assume that Swift stopped reading halfway through. I wonder if she was using No Fear Shakespeare or the original text. Whatever it was, she didn't quite understand, judging by the line in the chorus that says You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess. Her grasp on the actual play must have been something like this:



I love how the entire song promotes the image of the weak female, with several mentions to the Juliet character waiting around and crying. How about something more like get up off your ass and do something? Or is that just too edgy for a country musician?

One might want to forgive these awful lyrics and assume that since she's so young, Swift must be a beginner. Well, that's not quite the case here - she spends quite enough time in the biography section of her official website congratulating herself for being so experienced and original:

“I didn’t want to write songs about being on the road and being on hotels and missing your family and missing your friends,” insists Swift. “When I was like 14 or 15 and I would hear those things on an album...being alone, living out of a suitcase... and I was always like, ‘Ugh, skip!’ I’m inspired by boys and love. I’d rather write songs about how I’m feeling and the relationship side of things.”

I simply cannot accept this as a legitimate excuse - how fucking hard is it to write lyrics for country music? All the naive young ladies who are buying up all the Taylor Swift albums and are also inspired by, erm, "love and boys" are going to think they can make it to the top too... fear for the future of popular music.

The next item that needs to be discussed is Swift's award-winning video, "You Belong With Me." Don't let the title fool you like the Romeo and Juliet references did, it may sound warm and fuzzy but I think there's cause for a bit of concern here. It all starts with Taylor watching a boy through his window - is this permissible? I know with the invention of the Twilight series we've all come to think that stalking and obsession is just about as romantic as it gets, but really? Anyway, in this masterpiece, Swift makes sure not to miss out on exploiting the most classic exhausted high school stereotypes in existence.

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers

Oh God. She goes to high school and wears t-shirts? What is she thinking? And she's in the band? SOCIAL FUCKING SUICIDE. Oh, and don't forget the glasses. Girls that wear glasses, are you trying to be hideous?

But wait! The thrilling conclusion will save us all!



Following the same exact formulas of every high school movie ever, the big dance is the climax. (Which in turn has led more than one teenager to believe that their own prom will be something more than an overpriced dinner and dancefloor - like, for instance, the high point of her life.) In accordance with the rules, the main character has removed her glasses and/or taken her hair down and/or put on a dress and is miraculously HAWT. (See She's All That, The Princess Diaries, A Walk to Remember.)

It is at this point we find out that the pretty blonde boy from next door has loved HER along, and not the popular but bitchy cheerleader! Funny that he should only admit this after Tay has ditched the glasses, sneakers, and t-shirt. What remains untold is whether or not she's quit the band yet. Remember girls, he really does like you, he'd just be too embarrassed to be seen with you if you're going to wear those atrocious lenses on your face. Change your look and he's yours!

If you want to stop here and say, hold up, it's clear that not all teen girls are dumb enough to buy into this. Swift begs to differ with the lyrics to another popular single from 2009, "Fifteen."

Cause when you're fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them

Much of the song is written to "you," as if generalizing the entire fifteen-year-old population. About halfway through, Swift changes "you" to "I" - this is much more fitting, as her statements were getting a bit specific to encompass the typical experience of a high schooler (You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail/And soon enough you're best friends/Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool/We'll be out of here as soon as we can - did that happen to most people?). So why the change in subject? I theorize that it's a trick; Swift wants you to think her song is about you, but in the end you find out it's all about her looking back on how stupid she was to lose her virginity to a boy. Oh wait, my mistake, she decided to celebrate her own coming of age while exploiting her "best friend's" folly - Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine/And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy/Who changed his mind.

So why the are Fifteen and You Belong With Me so ridiculously juvenile? The imagery in the videos is damn near sickening, and you would have to wonder if the people who directed them had ever actually been in high school. I theorize that she must be incredibly bitter about her own homeschooling. Perhaps she never got that prom climax she so desperately needed. If there's one thing the teenagers of today do not need, it's more pop culture bullshit that portrays high school as a battleground between vicious blonde cheerleaders and sweet misunderstood individuals interrupted only by the occasional dance or convertible ride to a cliff overlooking the city with a boy. Now I know a completely realistic portrayal of high school would not suffice for the entertainment industry, but would it upset the balance to subtly imply that academics are part of those four years?


Just as a bonus, take a look at how Swift answered this interview question:

4. When you are not touring, what do you like to do for fun?
My best friend, Abigail, and I like to drive past our ex-boyfriends' houses.

No red flags there.

Disclaimer and stuff

This is my blog and these are my opinions. They are not kind. If you want happiness and butterflies, you have the whole internet at your fingertips. Kindly go elsewhere.

If you want to contradict me I welcome it, but please keep in mind the following:

• A comment that is acceptable would be similar to this: "Acutally, I think [opinion] because [supporting detail] and [supporting detail]."
• An unacceptable comment would be similar to this: "y dont u shut up and quit living in ur moms basement" or "y do u have to be such a bitch about this"
• Should I read your comment and find that you have disregarded these simple regulations, I will simply delete it. You will be welcome to try again if it's important enough to you.
• Stop being so fucking sensitive because I'm annihilating things you enjoy. If you're not the author/director/musician in question, I'm not insulting you personally. I am, however, promoting critical thinking.
  

If you want to make suggestions for what you'd like to see me blog about next, I would be glad to hear your ideas. Leave a comment and I'll check out whatever it is you suggest and see if it's worth it.